How Gossip and Slander are used to Bully within the Pagan Community
One of the problems we have as human beings is
that we love to gossip, and bullies in the Pagan Community exploit this fact
for their own uses. While gossip, slander and bullying are common to all
religions, it may have a worse effect in Paganism because there is seldom any
recourse for those who are gossiped about. For example, if a Catholic priest
gossips about the confessions of people in his parish, the congregation can go
over his head to the Bishop and something might be done about the situation. In
Pagan society, with our horror of hierarchies, there is often no one to
complain to, or if there is, their power is very limited anyway. Sometimes the
community leaders are afraid of the bullies as well, and so will not take any
steps to deal with them in case they become targeted next.
In some
cases, bullies who spread gossip pose a threat not only to individual Pagans
but to the entire Community. They build up a power base and turn everyone else
paranoid. People begin to fear everybody else and soon the Pagan Community
begins to reflect the personality of the bully.
Gossip is
unavoidable because human beings are naturally curious about one another. Some
gossip can actually improve situations, and some is acceptable only in certain
circumstances (see the list below). However negative gossip in the form of
untruths, unfounded accusations or taking credit for the ideas of others harms
people and Paganism in general. Whether there is malicious intent or not, it is
unethical and can cause great damage to the reputations of both the victim and
the people repeating the gossip.
There are
three kinds of gossip, the first being the chit-chat that we all do, and
includes things like "Did you hear the McIlvoys are having another
baby?" It is basic information without harmful intent, but we must still
be careful about what we say and how we say it.
The second
kind of gossip includes some information about a person’s character, and so is
a bit more dangerous. Statements like "James is in a really bad mood"
may or may not be true, but people will base their judgments on false or
misleading information.
Slander is
the third kind of gossip, and it is used to destroy people’s reputations and
betray secrets that are not meant for others ears. It includes maliciously repeating
a story that may or may not be true in order to tear another person down. An
example might be "That woman is a psychic vampire and nobody likes
her." This sort of thing prevents friendships from developing and destroys
potentially good relations within the Community.
Whoever
gossips to you will gossip about you.
~ Spanish Proverb
People Pass
on Malicious Gossip for Several Reasons: some use it as a social tool because
they are too insecure to rely on their own personality it can be used to assure
oneself that however bad their own situation is, there is someone in worse
shape certain people believe that if they have confidential information others
do not, it makes them appear important, knowledgeable and superior, and that
people will listen to them.
So when some sad people fear another somehow
excels them, cutting that person down helps excuse their own failure to achieve
in a similar way.
And some do it because they are jealous of the
attention or acclaim another person gets, so they point out their faults,
thinking it makes them look a little better by comparison.
If feeling
injured, putting the other person in a bad light seems to some to be a fair way
of retaliating. It can also be an effective way of winning people to their side
in a conflict.
In rivalry with others it is easier in some
ways to prove someone is worse than you than it is to prove you are better than
they are. It is a lazy and cowardly way to win a competition.
It can be used as a diversion to cover up
one’s own mistakes and schemes.
It is used
for revenge and other malicious purposes.
As empty
vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the
greatest blabbers. ~ Plato
The
following is a list of times when talking about other people is sort of, or
sometimes acceptable:
When a major
life change is occurring to someone you know and care about, and you pass on
the information to others who might also care about them.
When you are
truly trying to help someone resolve a problem or disagreement.
When you
really plan to take positive action to alleviate the situation the gossip
refers to, and need a neutral perspective
When you are
warning someone about a person whose practices are definitely undesirable for a
reason other than you just don’t like that person (this rule applies very
rarely)
When you have accurate information to defuse
or counteract a damaging or inaccurate rumor
When you are
gathering information in order to fight back against a character assassin. I
know this is contradictory, but when it comes to stopping this sort of thing I
feel that gathering information about a bully is more than fair if it will
change the status quo. However, I do not believe that it is okay to make up
things about the bully just to get back at them because this behavior makes you
no better than they are.
Malicious
gossip is never acceptable, for any reason
No one gossips about other people’s secret
virtues. ~ Bertrand Russell
Slander
& Character Assassination:
Slander is
gossip turned ugly. Though it may look like ordinary gossip, slander is done by
the initial perpetrator with the absolute intention of destroying a person's
reputation. It is a cowardly way to air grievances without accepting the
responsibility to work through a problem. Slander most often begins with anger
or resentment, sometimes jealousy, a perceived betrayal or other slight. Rumors
are subtly slipped into the flow of conversation, picked up by the grapevine
and spread, ruining a reputation.
Pagans are
certainly not immune to slander. Members of the Community hear things they
cannot confirm and wonder if the rumors might be true. Factions form, and more
and more people sense the undercurrent of dissension, even if they haven’t
heard the rumors. People get uneasy, spiritual malaise sets in, and the
Community suffers from a persistent low-grade infection. It can easily split a
Community, weakening it and preventing fellowship and co-operation between
Pagan groups and covens.
A lie told
often enough becomes the truth. ~ Lenin
The Smear
Campaign of a Pagan Bully
Let's look
at a little scenario - someone in the Community claims to believe that a High
Priestess has thrown negative energy at them. There is absolutely no evidence
that the High Priestess has ever thought about this person, let alone done
anything harmful, but the person apparently believes this is true, and if other
people in the community decide to honor their experience, this must mean that
the High Priestess is an evil hag. Sounds ridiculous, right?
This
inversion of logic happens all the time in Pagan circles, and is used by
bullies to gain control of the community. If you can manage to destroy a
selected target’s reputation through something totally improvable, you gain
power, pure and simple. If you do it often enough, you own the community.
This is the
smear campaign in action.
While at the
age of twelve the bully might have just beat up whoever they did not like, as
adults most have learned that if you're
going to abuse or pick on someone it's safest to do it indirectly. "A good whooping'" may be
witnessed, reported to the authorities, or if things seriously backfire, the
bully may end up getting the worst of it in a physical fight.
Bullies are
cowards. They pick their targets carefully, and try to make certain that they
will not be able to fight back effectively once they begin their attack. This
is where the smear campaign comes in - they have to set up doubts about their
target in the community so that the community chooses to align itself with the
bully, or at least remain neutral (i.e. not on their target's side).
Bullies are
hyper-vigilant when it comes to people who recognize them as trouble-makers -
they are often the first ones targeted, and for good reason. The smear campaign
swings into action the minute they realize someone has seen through them.
Because they are perfect (in their own minds only), and need the attention of
others desperately, they will do anything to keep people thinking they are a
wonderful person. The problem is that someone else has seen the truth, and
might tell others what they know.
Protecting
themselves, the bully must discredit anyone who might expose them for what they
truly are. They will go to enormous lengths to silence their detractors,
capable of telling everyone their target knows that they are delusional, a
liar, a whore, a control freak, irresponsible, or whatever else they can think
of. Often the accusations they make are based on what they have already done in
their own lives - projection.
Bullies can
be very charming and persuasive when they feel like it, and some of them will
make it their mission in life to convince everyone in the Pagan community that
their target was the bad guy and that they (the bully) were victimized by them.
Many people in the Pagan community (including myself) have lost important
friendships, been thrown out of their covens, been banned from gatherings (for
no reason), and some have even had family members turn against them.
They go to
all this trouble for three reasons - to deflect blame from them, to ensure
continued adulation and attention from those they dupe, and to gain power in
the community. More of this power is gained each time they manage to eject
someone - eventually, the bully is in sole control of what goes on because
they’ve got rid of anyone else who might stand up to them.
The smear
campaign is a bully's most important and effective weapon, mostly because so many people in the
Pagan community are willing to believe the first thing that they hear about
people, without bothering to check out the facts, or even consider that there
might be another side to the story. No, the version they heard must be correct
- if the target of the gossip tries to straighten things out, it just proves
that they are a liar.
How a Bully
Uses Gossip to Drive Someone Out of the Community
Bullies are
nothing if not predictable, and they follow the same general sequence when
trying to drive someone out of the community using a smear campaign:
The target
is selected by the perpetrator, who then begins telling others they dislike the
person. Because they seldom have concrete reasons for wanting to exclude
someone, bullies usually begin by making something up & spreading rumors
and innuendoes people in the community close to the bully begin acting strange
around the target, and the target will notice this. Eventually they realize
they are being gossiped about, and recognize the source of it.
The target
might complain about the gossip to friends or others in the community, but the
problem probably won’t be taken seriously — the consensus at first is usually
that they are being paranoid or just need to ignore the other person
More and
more people hear the rumors, which by this time have been greatly embroidered.
The source of the gossip is at this stage probably very pleased with themselves
and may be playing the wide-eyed innocent victim of their target
Because
people have either heard and believe the rumors, or are convinced the person is
being paranoid, they form negative judgments about the target. Either way, the
target of this abuse begins to be excluded from social circles in the community
Those taking
the side of the target are similarly excluded for the company they keep, &
you end up with two (or more) hostile camps
At this
stage the person typically either decides to fight back or they leave the
community in disgust. If the former, there may be a full-scale Witch War. If
the latter (a much more common scenario) Paganism loses a valuable person in
the community
Once the
target leaves the community, there's a short period of rest for the
perpetrator, and then a new target is selected and the whole process starts
again
Even if the hoodwinked community Members realize
that they might have sided with the wrong person in the past, they are unlikely
to admit it because to do so may incur embarrassment or be an admission of
their own stupidity. There is also the fact that sideliners are often more
frightened of the rumor-monger than the target and will go to enormous lengths
to avoid having to deal with their behavior
Defusing
Gossip
The best way
to defuse gossip is to refuse to listen to it, or associate with those who do.
Unfortunately this can sometimes severely limit your connections in the
community!
We all need
to build a reputation for integrity - don't gossip about others, and don't
credit any gossip that you may hear without checking into the facts first. But
remember, unless the gossip is about you directly, it's really not your concern
- just don't repeat it.
What other
people think of me is none of my business.
~ Oprah Winfrey
How to
Defuse Gossip about Yourself
Remember:
If you freak
out or otherwise react badly to gossip about you, people tend to think you have
something to hide. Sad, but true.
No matter
what you say or do, some people are going to be stupid enough to believe the rumors.
You will not be able to convince everyone that your side of the story is the
true one, so your next best option is damage control
As a general
rule, don't confront the person who spread the gossip about you with an angry
tone in your voice. Causing a scene will only make them feel more justified in
their actions, and witnesses will tend to think you're the one who is
irrational. If you feel you must confront them publicly, wait until you have
calmed down sufficiently and thought out your strategy carefully.
No matter
how annoyed you are, don't retaliate with gossip of your own. You are better
than they are, and degrading yourself for temporary satisfaction is not at all
necessary
If you have
heard gossip about yourself, you can often defuse it fairly easily by publicly
saying something like, "Did you hear the latest rumor about me? Apparently
they're saying I [fill in whatever you've heard here, with a very small amount
of detail]. Isn't that ridiculous?!" then laugh uproariously to show how
absurd it is. If you do this on a semi-regular basis people will eventually
recognize that the source of the gossip makes stuff up. It will also annoy the
bully because their plan to intimidate you obviously isn't working
In the
unlikely event that someone asks if the rumors about you are true, your best
strategy may be to remain calm, appear baffled, and say something like
"Well that's a new one. No, it's not true and I wish I knew why _____ would
go to so much trouble to spread gossip like that." This shows that you
have nothing to hide, and may make people begin to wonder if the person
spreading gossip has a hidden agenda.
If you want
a stronger response than the previous one, when someone is trying to tell you
what the bully has been saying about you, hold up your hand and clearly and
firmly say something like "She never tells the truth about me. I don't
want to hear any more about what she says." This almost certainly will get
back to the original gossip, but first your statement will be repeated to many
people along the way, hopefully making some of them think about why you would
make such a powerful statement.
Be careful what personal details you reveal to
relative strangers. Avoid detailed discussions of income, sexuality and
personal relationships unless you know you can trust the person
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you
either hear or are about to repeat a rumor...
In ancient
Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an
acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know
what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a
moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a
little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's
right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student
let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No,"
the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All
right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to
tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on
the contrary..."
"So,"
Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even
though you're not certain it's true?"
The man
shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates
continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the
filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be
useful to me?"
"No,
not really."
"Well,"
concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good
nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was
defeated and left, ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
So do the
test of three whenever you are tempted to repeat gossip:
1) Is it the
Truth? Are you sure about that?
2) Would it
be a Kindness to anyone if you were to repeat what you've heard?
3) Will
repeating the information do any long-term good overall? In other words, is it
ultimately Useful?
If it doesn't pass any one of these tests, then you have no business repeating the
gossip that you've heard.
In light and Service,
Rev Raven Dolick M.s.D.
RavenStar Enchantments Spiritual Awareness Center
http://www.ravenstarenchantments.com/raven-dolick-doctor-of-metaphysics.php
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